am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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