i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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