I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
