Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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