Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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