His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
