I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
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We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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