MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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