Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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