Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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