why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
