I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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