The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
