member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
