omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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