i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
