someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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