They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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