I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I came so hard my ears popped.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
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