i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
