I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to put some appletini on your dick
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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