I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
