im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
