So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
soo... how was my night?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
