Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
