after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
