Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
