My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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