when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
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went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
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Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize