Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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