Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
