I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
