I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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