i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
