Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
