Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
