This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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