ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Shame - the story of my life.
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