Only a mothe r could love this liver
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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