Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
