Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
