so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
