worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
