I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
