Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
