Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she told me i tasted like america
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
