You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
