If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
