Apparently you make a good broom.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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