i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
