I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
