not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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