I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
