Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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