somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
