True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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