I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
